Fellow citizens of the Internet, allow me, your self-appointed President of Everything that Matters (and some things that don’t), to present my radical proposals. Crime is costly, prisons are ineffective and gun violence is terrifying. So, while society groans under the weight of incarceration costs, children go hungry and adults check their locked firearms with the same anxious energy usually reserved for nuclear codes (or reheating tomato soup while wearing a new, white shirt) there is a better way.

Behold: reversible blindness for criminals. One swift procedure and a flick of medical ingenuity (preferably by someone who enjoys lasers and has a strong sense of irony), and the offender’s world becomes completely opaque. A blind burglar is, for all practical purposes, no more dangerous than a particularly grumpy cat. Let families bear the inconvenience and cost of supporting them while not isolating them from their loved ones. Oh, I can already hear the growing howl of the critics that this would constitute a violation of human rights. But do prisons respect dignity by confining criminals? And when minor offenders thrown in with members of violent gangs, we’re just upgrading their criminal education and handing out a free masterclass in mayhem.

However, naturally bind people might be caught up in in assumptions, prejudice and awkward social dynamics. The Solution? Issue wearable tokens stating, “Naturally Blind – Not Criminally Inclined”. We’d also have laws that explicitly forbid the assumption that a blind person is a criminal. Punishment would include mandatory empathy training and making them wear an exceptionally itchy jersey.

Of course, doctors may misbehave and restore sight to criminals prematurely, but prison guards may do something similar, only with fewer lasers and more grudges. And let’s not forget this fundamental truth – a blind criminal cannot easily steal, assault, or wield a firearm, thus perpetuating the cycle of fear. Society can breathe more easily while money that would have been used to fund prisons can be neatly diverted to education, feeding schemes and quality healthcare.

And this brings us neatly to the second pillar of my cunning plan. Like all brilliant ideas, it was conceived at 3 a.m. and includes a dart gun. A blind criminal may be incapacitated temporarily, but what if an otherwise law-abiding citizen faces an armed intruder? Traditional firearms are often locked away like precious dragon eggs lest catastrophic accidents occur. This makes them unavailable in emergencies. Unless you’re part of a Monty Python sketch, you can’t really ask a burglar to cover his eyes and count to 10 while you retrieve and load your weapon. This means that tranquilising guns are the obvious, non-lethal, yet practical solution. And in the event of an accident, they would take an hour out of a life instead of a life out of a family. Or, if you time it really well, it could give you a perfect excuse to get out of a boring Zoom meeting.

So, the solutions are clear. Temporarily blinding criminals makes them harmless and incapacitating intruders protects citizens, while keeping everyone alive.

Prison guards, meanwhile, need not rot in idle despair. We’ll train them to join the police force and they can apply their expertise in human chaos management to the public good rather than just to survive office parties and family reunions. They’d work alongside citizens armed with dart guns, enforcing the law, while ensuring that even those who break the rules face the consequences without anyone needing to die.

The synergy is obvious. We’ll neutralise offenders without cages, and we’ll neutralise threats without bullets. Meanwhile, crime is discouraged, society is protected, families stay intact, and children learn in an effective education system so that they can grow up and become ethical leaders.

Of course, I understand that this solution is rather unorthodox, and perhaps even absurd. But the world we inhabit is full of absurdity. Why not harness it to do good, save money and reduce bloodshed? This would be a statement to the world that justice can be clever and humane while still addressing serious problems.

And so, this presidential manifesto is not just an exercise in whimsy. It’s also a blueprint for a safer, smarter, and possibly more ridiculous world. Why settle for anything less?