We all want to be exceptional. Who doesn’t like the idea of unlocking their inner genius, revolutionising the world before breakfast, and looking flawless while doing it? But here’s the problem: most people are average. Statistically, it’s kind of the point. Still, every day we’re force-fed motivational memes telling us that greatness is inevitable, as long as we really, really believe in ourselves.

So, in the interest of public service (and maybe a little spite), I’ve compiled a list of the worst motivational tropes currently plaguing the internet and offered the more honest alternatives we probably need to hear.

1. “Aim for the Stars!”
   No, don’t. You have the aptitude of a fig and the attention span of a brain-damaged fruit fly. Be realistic. Basically, you’re more likely to burn up on re-entry than launch a legacy. If everyone could “do it,” we wouldn’t have entire industries built on fixing the aftermath of people who couldn’t. Some of us are here to fail so others can thrive. That’s what therapy is all about. Not even Elon Musk can get to the stars so set more realistic goals, like children who brush their teeth every day and Yorkshire puds that puff up properly for Sunday lunch.
   
2. “If you can dream it, you can do it!”
   You wouldn’t say that if you saw what was going on in my head while I’m asleep. In fact, you’d probably do everything possible to dissuade me from striving for what happens in my subconscious like a giant swan that turns into a dangerous and menacing armadillo. If I could bring those dreams to life, the world would need an emergency meeting at the UN. Honestly, there’s probably enough there for an entire psychiatric conference. Okay, so they mean dreams a little more figuratively than that. But I’m not a millionaire, no matter how much I dream about it, and I haven’t got a moat and drawbridge around my house and I’m not a world-famous writer. I don’t need to evolve; I need a nap.
   
3. “If it doesn’t challenge you, it won’t change you.”
   Most of the things that challenge me are not things I would like to be changed by. Children who drop dirty clothes next to the empty laundry basket, for example. Driving to work in winter when it’s still dark. Morons who steal the parking space you’ve been waiting for. Politicians. Anyway, what if I don’t want to change? What if I’m blissfully mediocre and would prefer to remain that way? Change involves effort, uncertainty, and usually a gym membership I’ll resent by week two but only cancel in year three. Evolution takes millions of years. I’m giving myself some grace.
   
4. “Sometimes peace is better than being right.”
   Spoken like someone who’s never been married. Marriage, after all, is largely a 50-year conversation about who’s right about things like how to fold towels and pack the dishwasher. I always archive communication because one day, when I’m accused of not telling my husband that Karen and Kevin are coming for dinner on Saturday, I want a timestamped WhatsApp message that proves I told him on Tuesday at 13:26. Peace is completely overrated and vindication is priceless.
   
5. “Don’t try to be better than others. Just be better than you were yesterday.”
   Lovely sentiment. Unfortunately, it collapses under the weight of the real world. Grown men cry when we lose a rugby match they weren’t even playing in because competition is hardwired into us. That’s why internet influencers exist – so we can see how much better than us they are, and we can aspire to have their airbrushed beach bodies and perfectly curated breakfast bowls.
   
6. “Keep getting back up when you get knocked down.”
   Why? Are we morally opposed to the foetal position? Sometimes it’s a survival strategy. Play dead, wait for the threat to pass, and then quietly vanish into the hedge and carry on with your life. That’s good resource management, not cowardice. You’re not Rocky. You’re a tired adult with deadlines and a bad back. So stay down. It’s comfy there.
   
7. “The past is not the future. It doesn’t matter if you failed before. All that matters is what you’re doing now.”
   Ah yes, the motivational equivalent of, “This time will be different.” We clutch at reinvention like it’s the winning lotto ticket. But the truth is, patterns exist because you haven’t changed your terrible coping mechanisms. The past should matter. It’s the only thing that stops us from launching another podcast called Finding Myself.

The truth is, success isn’t about mantras and mood boards. It’s about showing up, doing the work, and accepting that sometimes life is just hard, and no amount of inspirational script font is going to fix that. Sir Terry Pratchett said it best in The Wee Free Men:

“If you trust in yourself. . . and believe in your dreams. . . and follow your star. . . you'll still get beaten by people who spent their time working hard and learning things and weren't so lazy.”

So, keep dreaming. But maybe also go to work, do your taxes and learn how to fold a fitted sheet. Just in case the universe doesn’t conspire in your favour.